What would Gordon Ramsay do if his restaurant portfolio folded? In the past, we’ve noted that he’s fit to be Chief of Police in Duluth. It also seems like he’d make a great analyst for UBS Australia.
But anyone who watched the two-part series premiere of Hotel Hell this week knows Gordo’s true backup calling: innkeeper.
Yes, Rambo takes his Kitchen Nightmares Shtick to the hotel industry for his newest Fox network program, and his first stop, Vermont’s Juniper Hill Inn, brought out the best Ramsay has to offer.
Degradation: He told the hotel’s owners that their food tasted like “beef jerky,” their interior design preferences were heavy handed and, oh yeah, his room smelled like “raw sewage.”
Suspense: When Ramsay sped away from the hotel in disgust, we thought maybe he was calling it quits midway through his pilot episode. But he said he realized the staff of the hotel needed his help, so like a cop yelling “10-Four,” he spun his SUV around and returned to save the day.
Humiliation: “Do you honestly need a 70-year-old lady’s tips? Huh? You disrespectful, disgusting man,” he yelled at owner Robert Dean. The owner, it was revealed, also neglected paychecks on the regular.
He also asked Dean, “Are you always this pathetic?”
And he dropped this week’s winner for Most Surprising American Literature Reference: “You’re not the lord of the manor or f - - - ing Gatsby!”
Someone’s gonna need to get Dean some Ben & Jerry’s for that scalded esophagus, because he just suffered a Classic.Gordo.Burn.
Wanna be embarrassed like that on national TV? You’ve got three options:
1) Kitchen Nightmares is casting in Seattle, Nashville and Phoenix. If you live in those cities, Ramsay is willing to save your restaurant while absolutely destroying you.
2) MasterChef is also casting for season four. One person will win a boatload of money and the title of Master Chef … thousands of others will get Gordo Spittle Surprise.
3) Go on any show that’s unfortunate enough to occupy the same timeslot as Ramsay. American snowmobiling legend Todd Palin tried taking Ramsay on with the premier of Stars Earn Stripes. Let’s just say Ramsay sent Palin racing home to Mama Grizzly.
Also sent home this week: Hell’s Kitchen contestant Robyn Almodovar.
You knew she was heading for the door somewhere around the time Ramsay screamed, “Shout at me again and I will lift you in the air and throw you!”
Almodovar was nominated by contestants, who said she’s difficult to work with. She saw it differently.
“From day one, all I said was teamwork. Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork. There is no ‘I’ in ‘team,’” said Almodovar, who had fought with just about everyone this season.
In previous posts, we ranked the final six contestants on Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef. Not be total braggards or anything, but Almodovar was ranked sixth and so was David Martinez, who also fell doom to the Gordon Ramsay axe.
But the real story was the continued MasterChef Wal-Mart onslaught. These are quotes that will forever be attributed to Graham Elliot and Joe Bastianich ...
Elliot: Wal-Mart, which sells the highest quality steak.
Bastianich: Only one in five steaks are good enough to be called Wal-Mart Choice steaks.
A letter to the two sidekick judges, below:
Dear Graham Elliot and Joe Bastianich,
I’m not saying I don’t believe the things you’re saying. But I don’t believe you believe the things you’re saying. Just sayin’....