6/06/2012 11:34:00 AM

The Week in Gordon Ramsay: Mollusk Milkshakes on Hell's Kitchen and More

Photo: Wikipedia
This summer is set to be the bloody rawest TV season ever, with Gordon Ramsay mainstays Hell's Kitchen and MasterChef each running twice a week and an upcoming new Gordo show, Hotel Hell. Each week we’ll recap all the chef's most outlandish moments, from plates thrown across the room to spittle and insults flying right into each contestant's eyes.

The tremendous foresight of PETA was evident during Hell’s Kitchen’s two-night premiere.

Just days after the non-prof asked FOX to air its commercial, Silent Scream during Hell’s Kitchen (to remind viewers that those who cook fish are no better than a man who abuses his wife, mugs an old lady or bullies little kids) Ramsay side-kick Scott Liebfried poured a pan-full of poorly cooked scallops into a blender and made failed contestants drink mollusk milkshakes.

It was just one moment in a series of indignities suffered by scallops at the hands of Hell’s Kitchen contestants.

Indeed, for two days, plate after plate of our underwater friends were burned, mangled and discarded, as Hell’s Kitchen contestants failed to make it past appetizer service.

“Come here, you muppet!” Ramsay yelled at one cook who couldn’t watch an inspection of his undercooked fish. 

How bad did it get?

“Tavon (Hubbard) treated those scallops like a homeless rat, you should never do that to scallops,” said contestant Brian Merel, a self-professed expert on the butchering of down-on-their-luck rodents.

If only Hubbard had known contestant Barbie Marshall’s rule: “A perfectly cooked scallop looks like the tip of a <bleep>.”

Hopefully there’s a McDonald’s near Hell’s Kitchen, because it turns out Ramsay isn’t a fan of genital-resembling seafood and as a result, hundreds of customers were sent home without getting served entrees on both nights.

Meanwhile on MasterChef, contestants were greeted with a similarly rude reception.

“Congratulations… ” Ramsay said to one entrant, after tasting her dish.

“Thank you!” She screamed.

“… On one of the worst dishes in the competition so far,” Ramsay finished.

Somebody get her some SPF 45, because she just suffered a CLASSIC. GORDO. BURN.

But he wasn’t done yet. When a former cheerleader failed to impress, he knew just what to say:

“Give me an ‘n’, give me an ‘o.’ What’s that spell?”

Straight up abusive. Like a cook with a fish. 

Judge Joe Bastianich tried to keep up with Ramsay, throwing his own knockout punches: “Conceptual, categorical, catastrophic failure,” he said of one cook’s dish.

But Ramsay doesn’t need alliteration to break your heart. You’re already crying and then he throws out a verbal haymaker. Consider this dismissal of a teary-eyed reject whose dish was under-salted:

“If you cry into the tartare, at least you’ll season it.”

While Ramsay’s takedowns are normally the highlight of any episode, it was an exchange with an Army veteran named Joel, about his Jamaican rice and peas with chicken and Scotch Bonnet sauce, which won the night.

Ramsay: "The time I’ve spent in the Caribbean, it’s drums and thighs, they don’t have breasts that big down there.”

Joel:" Right, the women from there are a little different."

Ramsay: (Laughs) "Women? Chicken"

Joel: "Oh, breasts. I thought we were talking about breasts."

Somewhere under the sea, a fish was silently screaming…with laughter.

1 comment :

  1. That's hysterical, I have to watch now hahaha thanks Mr Kates