Rachael Vs. Guy Finale: It's "La-Bomb-Ba!"

Tim and Nina Zagat guest judging on the Rachael Vs Guy finale

By James Mulcahy

Spoiler alert: Over the course of the two-hour Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook Off finale, Coolio said "shaka zulu" 17 times. The epic showdown opened with four players remaining. Team guy was down to Coolio and former 'N 'Sync contestant/current pokey buffon Joey Fatone, while team Rachael featured the more sophisticated duo of Lou Diamond Philips (LDP to his peeps) and Taylor Dane. While Coolio got to utter his catchphrase on almost 20 occasions, Dane's forehead moved a total of zero times. Impressive.

So, what do you do when there are four contestants left and over two hours of reality show to fill? Eliminate two of them immediately! The challenge to get to the finals pitted former teammates against one another - only one player from Team Rachael and one from Team Guy could advance. Each contestant had to cook a meal for the "friends and family" of their team leader. This means Coolio and Fatone had to cook for a few of Fieri's bros and his mom (editor's note: frosted tips are apparently not genetic) and team Rachel had to make a family style meal for industry types like Josh Ozersky and Joey Campanale (while the former didn't say much, he sure did add to the adorable quotient of Rachael's pals).

After lots of running around the kitchen/mania/last minute menu changes over on Guy's side, Coolio beat Fatone with a recipe for his mom's "fork steak" (it's so tender you could cut it with a fork). Is anyone really surprised? The rapper let it drop that he had ample culinary experience before the show, claiming that he "once cooked an omelette for Willie Nelson." The guy's a ringer if we've ever seen one. On team Rachael, LDP cooked a lamb ragu and Dane cooked - actually, we're not sure what she made as we were too distracted by her fake eyelashes - but Phillips won the challenge after the '80s singer had trouble with a dish and had to replace it with a last minute Caprese salad, which seemed like an afterthought to the judges (though, we felt strangely sad/wanted her to get the sympathy vote when we saw her frantically drizzling balsamic like there was no tomorrow).

The final challenge is set - it's Coolio vs. LDP! But first, a detour! The two eliminated contestants get to square off in a challenge for third place. It's a blind tasting, and there's not much to say except Fatone won with the most visiually unappealing fried-rice we've ever seen, and Dane was left looking forlornly into the camera and saying with a straight face "being on this show was one of the highlights of my career so far." Awww, Taylor - tell it to our heart - we still love you.

For the final challenge, the two remaining contestants had to open a restaurant for a night. Diners would fill out comment cards, and the winner would be decided by the pop-up restaurant's Zagat rating. Tim and Nina, in 'da house! Coolio dubbed his restaurant Chez Cooly's, while LDP went the schmaltzy route and called his "Blessings." He also called out his personal blessings, but maintained a little humility for competition's sake: "I've got over 90 movies under my belt – but I’m going up against the terminator in the kitchen."

Each contestant got a little help from their friends, with Fatone and Dane running the FOH for their respective former teammates. While Dane showcased a secret life as a designer of suburban New American eateries circa 1992, Fatone didn't have such an easy time. Coolio picked an all-orange color-scape, the former-boy bands decorating skills (which consisted solely of begging female waiters to help him make it look better) couldn't help the fact that dining at Chez Coolis felt like eating inside a traffic cone.

Inside the kitchen, it was no different. LDP ran a tight ship, turning out competent dishes like crab two ways and Asian surf and turf. Coolio's side of the kitchen was a hot mess - the only thing that the singer terminated while behind the stove were his own chances at the title. Though diners liked dishes like his short ribs, it couldn't overcome the fact service was slow and Coolio had trouble expediting things. Tip to the rapper: next time you're running a kitchen: walking in tiny circles and constantly closing and opening the same refrigerator will only get you so far.

In the end, Tim and Nina Zagat took to the floor to declare the winner. Coolio's eater scored a respectable 23 out of 30, but LDP was truly blessed in this case - his pop-up was awarded a whopping 28 by diners. Yes kids, it was a blow out. He scored $50,000 for a charity that fights hunger, but Coolio still took home $10,000 for his charity of choice. Swell.

Tim did have some helpful advice for the final duo: "Maybe the two of you should go into business together." That sounds like one restaurant we'd line up for, as long as Taylor Dane was in the house to hand us a Champagne / bat those eyelashes when we walked in. Until next season!!!